Walking in the sunshine
I notice something new The scars on my wrist No longer show A symbol of what I've grown through
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I don't feel poetic
I am empty of words Empty of a future Isn't this pathetic We thought we were a perfect fit We thought we were royalty Of all the light touches Okay - you can have it I'll drive the other way Fast as I can in my death trap I know I'm not perfect But I thought you'd stay I seek out places we never went I look for solace in books, in music I try my best to be kind to myself It's okay to be brokenhearted and bent For how long? I feel closed off Like I cannot open or share my life again You will - they say kindly, like they know I'm wrong Okay. When? You cannot hold onto something that isn't yours, as much as you may want to
This means time This means love This means approval It will simply slip through Like water Let it I resolve to love
I resolve to look up I resolve to talk to my Creator I resolve to do more laughing I revolve to fuck up I resolve to learn I resolve to remember every day can be a new beginning I resolve to find her Me A flash of future me; it's a crowded airport, but I hear her say
'it's nice to come here, but it's also nice to leave' I take my seat near the aisle She and her brother sit next to me They share a profile. They speak casually, mentioning places they'd like to roam I listen and ask about their travels If they're leaving or going home? As we reach the air, I turn to my sudoku book They turn to serious conversation I hear things that make me look up into a mirror it feels, ironically, they are facing what is coming for me I heard it so often, I didn't stop to think it might be true
It's just something people say especially around the holidays "Time flies" And it hits me all at once For five years, I've been away from the cold; in other people's eyes, my parents are old Next year marks a new decade To have lived through three at twenty-three is surreal Dad lifting me up high to place the tree topping star Now - I try to wake early those chilly mornings to start his car. Time flies Too much turkey
Giving thanks Going shopping immediately after Because apparently we don't have enough. It is a soft irony We are creatures of humor, often incidentally But remember There are those who have been stepped on So that we privileged get to be grateful for our overabundance. There are days when the face I see in the mirror does not belong to me
Instead - it is the face of girl who is fifteen, or twelve or sometimes twenty. And she is so unsure, so scared of her progress that she forgets who she's become I think they call that regression. To see what those that love me see would be wonderful. I feel no connection to that woman She's puzzling, she's lived through a lot at only twenty-three Certainly, she is passionate, and perhaps, too needy. And she really would like to love herself. Depression tears you away from yourself
As its hands pull you deeper into the water the sea of 'used to be's' and 'what if's' Suddenly the progress you've made no longer matters because you are still struggling to float No closer to learning how to swim independently But we are allowed to climb out of the damn pool. That's what the stairs are for Every single fear is grounded in an experience
It has significance But we shy away from sharing Sweep our trauma under the rug For what? The sake of acting normal? Fuck that We all have the right to feel our pain As deep as it goes Down to our bones Healing takes time Let it take time |