Why is this six-hour train ride
scaring me more than my two-thousand-mile move? I won't cross a state line, not one, so why does it feel like a death sentence? Maybe I'm scared - of unforeseen opportunity of wealth, of love (and loss) A week to know? That's an eternity and three months until I go? Too soon, too soon, too soon.
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Apparently, my smile is gorgeous and my lashes long
but I yearn for them to notice me. They admire my long legs and my chest but I want to scream, to protest that I am more - than cheekbones and tight clothes. How I look should make no difference in how you speak to me. And I know the world is shallow, but I don't want this privilege And I'm a hypocrite to use my "beauty", so I stare at the edge of my double-edged sword - if I pretend to know nothing and look up through my lashes, then I'm taking advantage if they buy what I sell but men cash in anyway and assume that all I want to hear is how damn pretty I look, and 'can I help me with that?' They don't consider giving a compliment that goes deeper than my skin - that I'm smart, I'm clever, I'm tough and I'm strong, and not just 'for a woman'. Asking for that feels like a sin. To be acknowledged for more than how I look, I deserve that. Because I am more, we are more: inner beauty, determination, patience, hope. For that, I will always stand. She is the biggest soul I know
With a wit that is sharper than glass Her eyes see through every lie, but they do it with compassion A feat I haven't yet mastered Beauty flows around her As do grace and class and a delicate strength that I don't think I'll ever have Any friend she has should know how blessed they are to have a piece of her heart, deep and kind as it is She makes everything sounds like joy
I've never heard a more beautiful voice and I envy the strength it must have taken to sing for him through such pain She can almost stop time with song But that magic can't change that he's gone All I can say is I'm glad she still can use her gift of music that she shared with her man Her mister, and she'll see him again But until then, us selfish folk are grateful that she sings How many times have I laid down
while saying 'no, no, no', but only in my head? How many times was I told that it must mean they like you if they take your hand and lead you to a bed? How many times have I sat and realized, days or weeks later, that my shrug was not consent? But I was dressed up, it must mean I wanted them, I got drunk and flirted, it must mean I wanted them, I let them kiss me, it must mean I wanted them to fuck me instead. And to change my mind, what a tease. Too many times, I feared repercussions instead of claiming autonomy. Too many times, I let strangers in, with vodka stained breath, because it was just my body. Too many times, I wasn't quick enough to unlearn that just because someone finds you attractive doesn't mean that you owe them. Not sex, not love, not a smile, not even a fucking second glance. Unless you want those with them. Too many times have I confused wanting to with not wanting to disappoint - But that's my fault, right? There is nothing quite so majestic
as waves crashing onto the sand As you stand, alone on the shore, daring the water to pick a fight with you, a foolishly brave human facing the strongest thing that Nature has to offer to the world. But the ocean did not become strong simply from standing and wishing. It persisted, ebbing and flowing in constant motion Quiet, then loud, until its force could knock down entire civilizations - So keep your feet. 2 syllables worse than cancer
but possibly 10 times as long the 3 of us sit in shock after hearing the 1 diagnosis that we feared all along He was so scared - he waited 2 months to tell us the 1 truth we didn't want him to say Stage 3 - I want to demand proof but I already have it in the form of 18 long years of me spying out the window at 4 am, running downstairs with angry tears - 1000 times it seems Stomping out the monster ashy and small - why didn't he listen to me? 105 pounds of love, faith and humor in a 5'7" man who I love more than anything and 100 regrets fill me up - why didn't I say more? Why? Why? Why? and my head rings and my heart aches - 6 months? 6 years? What about his dreams? 47 Plymouth, Germany, all gone? Because of 4 syllables? Will our family soon be 3? Only time, achingly long, will give answer We have to wait and see It's strange and it bites
and destroys everything and since November 8th Nothing has scared me more than the sight of smoke going across the sky glowing in that terrible light. Except, of course, and it will always win, the sound of gunshots ringing out into the night I always feel a little guilty
ruining the picture that the snowfall has painted with my footsteps It is so quietly beautiful You wouldn't know from a glance
but I was that girl alone on a park bench screaming at the sky, asking for meaning demanding to feel terrified that the thoughts calling her worthless are real staring at her wrist, scissors in hand I wanted to die because I saw no light no end of the tunnel, no end of the fight unless I gave up So I cried and I begged and I thought, but couldn't bring myself to carry out what I sought because bad as it was to live in pain, I wanted to be alive. It took time. And hitting my lowest low to admit that help could soften the blows and the hurts that come with breathing. But time passes and I finally took the pills and eventually feeling happy wasn't up such a steep hill and I went to therapy, too. No shame - we all need help We all need support, to know we are loved and to learn to ignore and shove our own thoughts away. A year passed, and I felt better two years and even better, please let this letter be comfort I made it out of the dark place we call depression and now I face tragedy with the great hero, Hope. I believe you will find Her and only ask that you are patient and good and take off your mask As slowly as needed, but remove your preconceived notions of how you should feel. You are strong, you will survive. I promise, from the other side of suicide. So even if it's only for a day - stay. And then stay and still stay. And you can Be brave |